Sometimes children lie -- because they're afraid. 

Sometimes children lie because they have become afraid of the person they are lying to. 

If you think your child is experimenting with lying, begin by writing down every time you observe it happen. What situation did it appear in? What brought it about? You can also keep a chart. You may begin to discern patterns.

Courage to change comes from grace not from shame.

There is a type of guilt that can be healthy. It is there when you learn right from wrong, what is helpful versus what is hurtful. The healthy type of guilt says, “What I chose to do hurt someone. I want to choose to help people, to be kind and loving. I don’t want to hurt people.” This is saying what I DID was wrong. This implies that change is possible, because I can change what I DO.

Shame is different. Shame wounds, drawing energy away from someone. It says, “Who I AM is wrong.” This implies that change is not possible, because if this is who I am as a person, I cannot change that. Shame does not have healing capabilities. It deflates a person like a prick in a balloon, slowly releasing the air from inside it. (For more on this see our previous post here.)

“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.” ― Albert Einstein

This is our task: To simplify the rules of living down to an age-appropriate level.

Keep things very simple. But not only for six year olds, Dr. Einstein; we’re reaching an even younger group here.

There are a number of helpful rhymes that Kirby, our resident expert, has come up with to aid us in remembering key concepts of child-rearing and development. We’ll be covering a few of them in the weeks ahead and will start off with this clever ditty:

After a recent move from the United Kingdom to the United States, my eight year old has taken to labeling herself as a “tomboy”. I’m not really sure what she means by it. I observe that she doesn’t enjoy sports as much as I did when I was a child. However, she has switched out her skirts for shorts or pants to fit in more with the culture around her. When does a stereotype become a type of who we are and what we do? When does a certain pattern of choices or certain actions begin to define our identity?

These are important questions for parenting, for the very way we talk to our children. Are we speaking to their choice of action or to who or what they are? By doing the latter, we begin to label them in some way, to define their identity. It may be second nature for us to label someone as good or bad: “Those are the good guys in the movie and those are the baddies.” However, it is really significant to our little people that they hear us speak to what their actions are and the outcome of those actions. Instead of saying “What a bad boy!” – thus defining the boy’s whole identity as “bad” – we could describe the choice as bad or the outcome of his actions as hurtful.

​Josie's (age 3) parents had been trying to teach her not to lie. They had been talking with her about lying, giving consequences for lying, and making a concerted effort to stop the behavior. One day Josie accidentally knocked over her milk. She quickly started cleaning it up, and said to her mother, "I don't know if this is a lie or not, but I spilled my milk."

Josie knew that a lie was something she shouldn't do…but she didn't understand what it was. Lying is a lot more complicated of a concept than adults tend to think. And even once a preschooler really understands the concept of true and not true, their brains aren't mature enough to always get it right.

Of course, we can still work with preschoolers to teach them to be honest. It's just that it's important to take a gentle teaching approach that is appropriate for their level of development. We'll give you some ways to teach preschoolers to tell the truth. But first…

"My son (2.5) is finally into imaginative play. However, the characters aren't always nice to each other. They say things like "you're not my friend". Sometimes they are really bad and get put into the corner. Do I intervene when the characters are being mean and saying things I wouldn't let my son say?"

Sometimes our sweet babies come out with words and behaviors that we haven't taught them. It can be upsetting, and we wonder, "Do I need to nip this in the bud? Or should play be correction-free territory?"

Preschoolers like to "try on" words and actions that they have observed—whether from siblings, preschool, the playground, or tv. Imaginative play can be a safe place to do this experimentation. It doesn't mean they've internalized the behaviors, or that they'll start talking like that all the time.

​Few things can grate on a mom's nerves like constant fighting. You want your kids to be best friends with each other, to play well together, and to love each other, but you may be at a loss as to how to deal with the inevitable bickering.

The first step to dealing with a fight is to help your kids calm down. When emotions are running high, kids are not capable of problem solving. You may need to separate the children, not as a punishment, but as a break to help each one regain some equilibrium. Do you know what calms your children down? Is it being alone or cuddling with you? Do they feel better when they sit down with a book or doll or when they listen to music? Does it help them to have a comfort item? If you ask your children to take a break in their rooms, tell them what they can do ("You may sit in your beanbag and talk to your doll," or "You may play with your legos.")

When the emotions have settled, talk to each child individually about what happened. Have them put their feelings and the events into words, and help them notice what upset them. Reflect and affirm their emotions. ("That must have been really frustrating when your little brother knocked down the tower you worked so hard on.")

​'Tis the season…to try desperately to keep your children quiet during religious services, concerts, plays, and the like. But let's face it, they are kids! They're not exactly hardwired to sit still and look angelic. Except, of course, when no one is looking. I mean, there is Murphy's Law to contend with. So whether you are looking to survive a one-time event or to make weekly services more enjoyable, how do you help your child stay quiet?

To start off with, we are assuming that you are going to an event where children are welcome, but need to be relatively quiet and calm. Let's just acknowledge that this is not always possible with little ones, and taking them out of the service if they are not handling it well is not a punishment; it's just acceptance of the limits of preschoolerhood.

Staying quiet requires a set of skills that can be worked on over time, but that we can't expect of preschoolers who have not had a chance to practice. Among other things, it requires:

Is grocery shopping a nightmare for you? Fussy kids, grumpy mom, whining for Lucky Charms, strangers staring, coming home with the wrong items because you couldn't concentrate. Sound familiar?

We used three simple rules that made grocery trips a whole lot smoother. We recited both the rules and the consequences together in the car before every shopping trip, because little ones can't always remember the rules from week to week. Kids also need to say the rules themselves, not just hear them.

Rule 1: Don't touch. For the safety of the children and the merchandise, kids are only allowed to touch what mom hands them. Let them help with anything they can't damage. They can put items in a child-sized basket or in the big basket.